fatty. no good for you.


“To Die Unsung Would Really Bring You Down”

Helmet's "Unsung", for those who don't remember the early 1990s.  Another line, and probably the most I can quote without a takedown complaint, is "Die young is far too boring these days."

Very few people I've met have completely lacked ambition.  I didn't understand it myself until I was about 29, the first time I really noticed that I had stalled in my career, and I was mostly fine with that.  I was married, and I finally had enough "things" - a nice house, 2 cars, pets, 5 televisions, furniture in every room, and the better part of a gym in my basement - that I had no one to envy.  I had everything I needed and plenty more.  I could just live out the next 35 years and retire reasonably successful.

It was at this point I allowed myself to tolerate so many of weaknesses.

Happiness is the worst thing to ever happen to me.  Happiness makes me content, and being content has to be the fastest path to fatty I could possibly take.  Like many, I eat when I'm depressed, but I'll consume to stupidity when the world is mine.  It's also the same feeling that has me spending money irresponsibly at strip clubs at the first sight of C-cups or larger, but that's happened less since coming off antidepressants.  I hated myself because I knew I was a terrible shell of what I used to be, and didn't care enough to change it.  Literally, I hated that I didn't hate myself for who I was.

It took a pretty massive breakdown and botched suicide attempt at the end of 2010 for me to finally say "enough is enough", and cease all the (legal) drugs I was taking - antidepressants, benzodiazepines, and amphetamines.  I had to take control of my brain, and frankly - start hating myself again.  2011 saw an end to my marriage, a job that kept me at home, and a surgery that redefined my face.  What better response to "I hate the asshole I see in the mirror" than to have a genioplasty, liposuction in your neck, and a few chemical peels?

What I saw in the mirror by the end of 2011 was remarkably different.  It still isn't enough.

Weight: 283.8

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  1. You might see yourself that way. But when I look at you, I see an incredibly strong person, fighting back against the odds, and willing to change his life for what he wants it to be.

    It doesn’t matter WHERE you’re at, right now. Just that you have a sharp aim at something better, and you’re willing to jump in, head-first.


  2. Dear heart, happiness was not your downfall. Not believing you DESERVED it was. As you work on your body and your life, please please please work on your heart and your soul so you’re ready for it next time. You are going to achieve what you want. I know it. It is well and truly deserved simply because you are you, and you deserve to be joyous. It is inherent in our existence. You deserve to know you are beloved and safe and powerful. Even if you do lose everything, what you create in its place will serve you better. Be ready.

    • I guess it’s pretty easily argued that my downfall had a lot more to do with what I did with being happy rather than happiness on its own. I don’t know how I’ll respond when I’m presented with it again.

      Thank you for all the kind words. I’d like to think I’m going to reach these goals, and open myself up to the idea of happiness again. I have fleeting moments where I’m sure I’m on the right track, but then I wake up today, and for reasons I can’t understand, I’m up 2 pounds, devastated, and that pizza picture starts looking better and better.

      I still haven’t ordered it, as I have faith that if I give myself enough time, and stay disciplined, I’ll hit my target weight.

      Again, thank you.

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