fatty. no good for you.

9Mar/123

This is the second best I could do…

I was going to prepare a much nicer, epic, and emotional post about the biggest and scariest thing I've gone through in recent years.  I chose not to in favor of a little bit of a look into how big an asshole I really am.

I'm obese.  Not overweight, but cheese-in-my-veins fucking obese.  My weight is down a little bit (it's hanging in the low 270s) - but I'm still 100 lbs. away.

...and I don't deal well with fat chicks.

I should put an asterisk there, because it's sort of an arbitrary term that is a challenge to express properly.

Historically, girls of marginal attractiveness have been drawn to me.  Now, I'm open to several different body types, races, hair colors, and the like.  I really only have one 2 total non-starters: Ridiculously fake breasts or a penis.  Both are immediate disqualifiers for me.

I started a match.com account up last week early Monday morning.  Since I'm me, and I am criminally tactful, I've had three dates - the last of which was last night.  That's 12 calendar days by my count.  I've had a deluge of "winks", but they are without fail girls that I couldn't see myself with.  Mostly because I don't think we could both fit in the same picture.  Not everyone is going to be a potential connection, but I don't understand the common underlying feature that nearly all the women who would approach me share: a disproportionally large bottom half that recalls images of a sausage casing overflow or that pink goo McDonald's called chicken.

The first girl...did not match up well against her photo, and was very bottom heavy.  She was also at an age that gravity had taken a lot from her.  It was also unclear how well she maintained other parts of herself, as she had more than a few stray grey hairs on her head.  However, I proved that I can do just as much damage stone sober as I can drunk.  She asked me to set up Netflix Instant on her Wii.  I spent fewer than 15 minutes setting up her wireless network, and getting her Wii configured for Netflix.  I should have left when I finished.  I'll let you fill in the blanks...but I was irresponsible in accepting her gratitude.  Moving on...

The second girl I went on a date with decided we'd go to a burger bar.  Normally, I do OK in the context of similar establishments.  Not to endorse a restaurant, but Red Robin allows substitutions of the BOCA burger on all their burgers, and they have a really awesome spicy burger that is just amazing.  This place was not even remotely vegetarian friendly, and they still botched my order just a touch.  Poor dining choices aside, this girl happened to be a bit more pretty, younger, and had let me know she lost a lot of weight in recent months.  Good on her, seriously!  However, she too suffered from that ill-defined bottom-heavy build that just...doesn't do well for me.  To frame it a little differently, her top half had similarities to Adele - great face, bone structure, fairly dramatic eyes and lips.  I adore Adele, and would be more than happy to be involved with her.  However, this young lady's bottom half was more like a Dell computer - a collection of spare parts, poorly organized, probably incompatible, and destine to be useless in about 3 years.

I maintained a facade of interest, thinking it best to "keep options open" since I haven't been able to demonstrate how much of an absolute catch I am to anyone in years.  And then last night happened...

I met an amazing woman a few years younger than me.  She happens to be quite intelligent, a vegetarian, and every bit as ridiculous as me.  She's also absolutely stunning.  Our date lasted over 10 hours, of which 95% was talking.  As far as I can gather, any and all perceived chemistry was mutual - but I'm not going to get into specifics yet.  I've had about a half dozen significant relationships, so it does happen that I get a fair amount of what I want.  However, given the delicate balancing act that is the first few weeks of dating, I'm keeping feelings and word selections metered right now.  It was an incredible time, and we've planned to go out tomorrow night.

I'm a jerk.  I'm clearly saying terrible things about people who I hope never hear them, as they surely deserve better.  Attraction is something that really can't be helped.  I'm not sure how much of it can be conditioned or massaged.  However, I feel compelled to be honest about what I'm thinking and feeling, as it becomes a written record for me to better understand myself.  This year is about being honest with myself, who I am, and what I want.  It is not a time for compromise on any level.  It's a time to reassert who I am and what really matters to me.

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31Jan/120

Slothtastic!

I did a few things to set myself back last week:

  • I missed my weigh-in twice.
  • I missed my workouts for 4 straight days
  • I shared one of those epic 16" pizzas with my ex-wife

The net damage seems marginal as my weight is slightly down over the week, but it doesn't mean I'm not disappointed in myself.

My work-related struggles continued last week, both by playing catch-up on work I should have had done, and in dealing with my ADHD.  A small depression and setback that seems to happen monthly even in the best of times.

All of this said, I did work out this morning, and I'm going to do my best to get back on pace.  I'll post more soon, but I wanted to bring things here back to speed.

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26Jan/123

“Existence – well what does it matter? I exist on the best means I can…”

"...the past is now part of my future, the present is well out of hand. The present is well out of hand."

The lyric is taken from Joy Division's "Heart and Soul".

I've lost more weight, but it's not really progress.  I'm still me.  I lack the discipline, the will, the strength, and often the desire to make the improvements that are going to establish myself as viable for this world.

There's a lot of metaphors for ways to demonstrating futility when facing an inevitable conclusion of failure.  "Rearranging deck chairs on the Titantic", "running out the clock", and so on...  I could lose the weight, but so what?  I still wake up wishing I hadn't.

There's really no reward upon reaching my weight loss goals that's going to be worth the time or effort that comes with it.  At varying times, I've had everything in life that I could have possibly wanted, and it was never enough.

Is there anything I actually want?

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24Jan/125

Devastation

While nothing good comes easy, this is what I've had to deal with in the last week.

Date Weight (in lbs.)
24 January 2012 284.8
23 January 2012 286.2
22 January 2012 283.8
21 January 2012 284.2
20 January 2012 283.2
19 January 2012 283.4
18 January 2012 286.0

I've worked out 5 of the last 7 days. My diet has not changed. I'm at a loss to describe this.

This is not winning.

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22Jan/124

“To Die Unsung Would Really Bring You Down”

Helmet's "Unsung", for those who don't remember the early 1990s.  Another line, and probably the most I can quote without a takedown complaint, is "Die young is far too boring these days."

Very few people I've met have completely lacked ambition.  I didn't understand it myself until I was about 29, the first time I really noticed that I had stalled in my career, and I was mostly fine with that.  I was married, and I finally had enough "things" - a nice house, 2 cars, pets, 5 televisions, furniture in every room, and the better part of a gym in my basement - that I had no one to envy.  I had everything I needed and plenty more.  I could just live out the next 35 years and retire reasonably successful.

It was at this point I allowed myself to tolerate so many of weaknesses.

21Jan/122

“You may be done with the past…

...But the past isn't done with you." - James Dean Bradfield, "Days Slip Away"

I think he stole that from somewhere, but I can't confirm it.

Today is the last day of one of the worst weeks I've had in the last few years. I confronted all of my biggest issues in some form this week to varying results. I absolutely expect challenges along the way; I can't imagine anyone looking to completely reinvent themselves has an easy go of it. I don't expect to be smacked in the face by everything I've done wrong and the things I still need improvement with. I don't believe in the concept of "fair", but it's not fucking fair.

These are my problems, but feel free to share yours.