fatty. no good for you.

19Feb/120

Epoch Fail

Often I think I was born too late.  This comes into play mostly when I look at my favorite musical artists and bands.  The Rolling Stones peaked in 1972.  The Velvet Underground broke up in 1973.  Punk effectively imploded in 1977.  Ian Curtis died months after I was born, in May of 1980.  The greatest post-punk records all came before 1986, when I was 7.

I rarely think I was born too early.  There was an age of consent joke that should have gone here, but in all honesty - there are very few women more than a few years younger than me who excite me.  It's always been that way.  The girl I've spent the better part of 15 months infatuated with confirmed to me she was just over a month my senior this week.

I'm mostly sure than had I been born about 1975, I'd probably have been one of those Internet success stories that would have made me a multimillionaire by now.  A little capital and a few people who believed in me when I was younger and MySpace could literally have been *MY* space.  Or I would have sold a variety of domain names for hundreds of thousands of dollars based on nonsense speculation.

It would have been terrible for me had I been that successful early.  With the limited success I had as a young adult, I made more than enough mistakes.

Filed under: Life Continue reading
17Feb/123

Progress worth sharing…

image

Filed under: Weight Loss 3 Comments
15Feb/121

Previously, on http://fatty.vuxe.com…

...it's been a little while since I posted.  I've been busy.

I met a good friend in Nashville a couple weekends back, and the week that followed was a time of rest and reflection.

This week, I started a new job.  But you're not here for that.

I'm now at the "30 pounds lost" mark, leaving 107 to go.  I am fitting into clothes most recently worn in 2009.

I'm also happy.  Well, happy-ish.  I'm not complacent or anything irresponsible like that.  I recognize I've made progress, and that I remain on track for success.  These are important things.

I'll be a bit more snarky again soon, but I wanted to make it clear I was still going to update this, even if it's been a while since I've posted a weigh-in.

Filed under: Weight Loss 1 Comment
31Jan/120

Slothtastic!

I did a few things to set myself back last week:

  • I missed my weigh-in twice.
  • I missed my workouts for 4 straight days
  • I shared one of those epic 16" pizzas with my ex-wife

The net damage seems marginal as my weight is slightly down over the week, but it doesn't mean I'm not disappointed in myself.

My work-related struggles continued last week, both by playing catch-up on work I should have had done, and in dealing with my ADHD.  A small depression and setback that seems to happen monthly even in the best of times.

All of this said, I did work out this morning, and I'm going to do my best to get back on pace.  I'll post more soon, but I wanted to bring things here back to speed.

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27Jan/121

New Post Added

I didn't have a better title.

Today wasn't terrible. I even smiled a few times. There's some nice people in Argentina.

I think I'm suffering from a depression in chemistry only. My life isn't actually worse than it was a week ago, it just feels that way.

Not to tempt fate, but there's always opportunities for things to be worse. I'm just hoping for one good thing to happen to help push me through this. I have no idea what that could be.

Filed under: Weight Loss 1 Comment
26Jan/123

“Existence – well what does it matter? I exist on the best means I can…”

"...the past is now part of my future, the present is well out of hand. The present is well out of hand."

The lyric is taken from Joy Division's "Heart and Soul".

I've lost more weight, but it's not really progress.  I'm still me.  I lack the discipline, the will, the strength, and often the desire to make the improvements that are going to establish myself as viable for this world.

There's a lot of metaphors for ways to demonstrating futility when facing an inevitable conclusion of failure.  "Rearranging deck chairs on the Titantic", "running out the clock", and so on...  I could lose the weight, but so what?  I still wake up wishing I hadn't.

There's really no reward upon reaching my weight loss goals that's going to be worth the time or effort that comes with it.  At varying times, I've had everything in life that I could have possibly wanted, and it was never enough.

Is there anything I actually want?

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24Jan/125

Devastation

While nothing good comes easy, this is what I've had to deal with in the last week.

Date Weight (in lbs.)
24 January 2012 284.8
23 January 2012 286.2
22 January 2012 283.8
21 January 2012 284.2
20 January 2012 283.2
19 January 2012 283.4
18 January 2012 286.0

I've worked out 5 of the last 7 days. My diet has not changed. I'm at a loss to describe this.

This is not winning.

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22Jan/124

“To Die Unsung Would Really Bring You Down”

Helmet's "Unsung", for those who don't remember the early 1990s.  Another line, and probably the most I can quote without a takedown complaint, is "Die young is far too boring these days."

Very few people I've met have completely lacked ambition.  I didn't understand it myself until I was about 29, the first time I really noticed that I had stalled in my career, and I was mostly fine with that.  I was married, and I finally had enough "things" - a nice house, 2 cars, pets, 5 televisions, furniture in every room, and the better part of a gym in my basement - that I had no one to envy.  I had everything I needed and plenty more.  I could just live out the next 35 years and retire reasonably successful.

It was at this point I allowed myself to tolerate so many of weaknesses.

21Jan/122

“You may be done with the past…

...But the past isn't done with you." - James Dean Bradfield, "Days Slip Away"

I think he stole that from somewhere, but I can't confirm it.

Today is the last day of one of the worst weeks I've had in the last few years. I confronted all of my biggest issues in some form this week to varying results. I absolutely expect challenges along the way; I can't imagine anyone looking to completely reinvent themselves has an easy go of it. I don't expect to be smacked in the face by everything I've done wrong and the things I still need improvement with. I don't believe in the concept of "fair", but it's not fucking fair.

These are my problems, but feel free to share yours.

17Jan/120

Obstacle 1

I suppose I should use fewer music references. I have to make sure this doesn't turn into The Crow graphic novel for fat people, which is really just The Crow.

I've hit my first plateau. Since Saturday, after I did my hour-long treadmill session, I'm down a whopping .3 lbs, including no loss between today and yesterday. There could be a variety of explanations for slow down, but it's still frustrating. These could include, but are not limited to:

  • I had a Totino's Party Pizza yesterday.
  • Sunday and Tuesday (today) featured workouts on an elliptical machine, which I am still learning and adjusting to.
  • My body, already known to be a giant asshole, could be making some unwelcome adjustments to accommodate my workout regimen.
  • That ice cream I had on Sunday wasn't really reduced fat and calories like they claimed.
  • I'm weighing myself wrong or inconsistently.

Yesterday, I detailed the math that I understood went into weight loss.  I still don't understand what I wrote there, but I do know that it's a combination of diet and exercise that's allowing me to lose weight.  Right now, I'm unwilling to make any further diet concessions, so I need to step up my workouts.