fatty. no good for you.


“Existence – well what does it matter? I exist on the best means I can…”

"...the past is now part of my future, the present is well out of hand. The present is well out of hand."

The lyric is taken from Joy Division's "Heart and Soul".

I've lost more weight, but it's not really progress.  I'm still me.  I lack the discipline, the will, the strength, and often the desire to make the improvements that are going to establish myself as viable for this world.

There's a lot of metaphors for ways to demonstrating futility when facing an inevitable conclusion of failure.  "Rearranging deck chairs on the Titantic", "running out the clock", and so on...  I could lose the weight, but so what?  I still wake up wishing I hadn't.

There's really no reward upon reaching my weight loss goals that's going to be worth the time or effort that comes with it.  At varying times, I've had everything in life that I could have possibly wanted, and it was never enough.

Is there anything I actually want?

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  1. You want to buy a shirt that doesn’t have an X in the size. You want to run circles around younger people because they don’t work out like you do. You want to mock smokers when they can’t climb the stairs as fast as you.

    • I’m not so sure.

      • When I was 40 lbs heavier but I was working out every day I had way more energy than friends that were a lot younger and a lot skinnier than I was.

        You might not look it for a long time but with regular hard workouts you can be faster and tougher than most people.

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