fatty. no good for you.

16Jan/122

Eat Shit and Die

It's not a request. It's what I did, figuratively, and a reasonable expectation given the path I was on.

For example, this was a meal:

That is a 16" pizza from a local restaurant, delivered to my home roughly once a week. I'm going to guess that it runs about 2,500 calories, and 120 grams of fat.

Here's where shit gets funny.

I'm a vegetarian, and I have been since I was 17.  We're supposed to be held to higher standards of eating. Salads, tofu, and all that.  The fact that I broke 300 pounds on a vegetarian diet is beguiling and awesome.  Maybe I should be proud?  If hot dogs and chicken wings weren't the standard barometers for competitive eating, maybe I could have been a contender?

"So, fatty," you ask, "what are you eating lately since you're losing weight?"  Here's a short list of some of what's in my fridge, freezer, and stomach.  Take none of this as endorsement.

  • MorningStar Farms® Veggie Sausage Patties, Veggie Bacon Strips, Black Bean Burgers, and Grillers® Original
  • HOT POCKETS® CHEESE STUFFED CRUST PIZZERIA – THREE CHEESE PIZZA
  • LEAN POCKETS® brand Pizzeria - Four Cheese Pizza in a Seasoned Herb Crust
  • El Monterey Bean & Cheese Burritos
  • Lean Cuisine Four Cheese Pizza, Roasted Vegetable Pizza, and Spinach and Mushroom Pizza

I'm generally having three to four of these products a day.  I make a pretty amazing breakfast sandwich with an "everything" bagel (a serious fucking misnomer), a slice of pepper jack cheese, two of the aforementioned MorningStar Farms® Veggie Sausage Patties, two of their Veggie Bacon Strips, and hot sauce.  I estimated it to clock in around 700 calories, which is still a somewhere between "excessive" and "fuck you, fatty fat fat fat."

With all that said, I'm mostly sure I'm under 2,000 calories for a full day almost every day, and with almost-daily workouts, a 2-pound weight loss each week pace is neither grueling nor excessive for me.  It would put me at my goal weight in roughly March of 2013, or about the same time I stop my spousal support.  Nice timing indeed.

"So, fatty," you ask again, "can you give me some kind of math lesson on why you're losing weight?"

First, fuck you.  My name is Michael.  Second, sure!  There's 3,500 calories in a pound.  I was probably eating about 3,000 calories a day since I'm a bloated fat sack.  I'm eating closer to 2,000 a day, and my time on the treadmill is burning about 400 calories a day - when I do it.  That means I've cut (roughly) 1,400 calories each day off my irresponsible pace.  Conveniently, that means I'm cutting out 3,500 calories (or one pound) every 2.5 days.

That math roughly holds up when I view my progress page and see that in 6 days, I've lost 2.1 pounds from January 9-15, 2012.  There's probably some variance bullshit about the time of day I weighed myself, phases of the moon, the tides, or the contents of my colon or bladder.

So, there's practical value in math beyond money.  The More You Know!

Weight: 285.0

Comments (2) Trackbacks (0)
  1. Your progress page is surprisingly smooth. I regularly move up or down 3-4 lbs every day. One day I made some overly salty Mapo Tofu and picked up 8 lbs in one day.

    I would try adding some high fiber beans like veggie chilli, baked beans and lentils to replace some of that cheese and bread.

    • Goodness! That is pretty crazy!

      I should do more of my own cooking, that would help. I still live with my ex-wife, and sometimes she’ll cook veggie chili. She made a Curried Split Pea Soup this week, and it’s awesome.


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