fatty. no good for you.

29May/120

“So when you hear this Autumn song…clear your heads and get ready to run…

...so when you hear this Autumn song, remember the best times are yet to come." - Manic Street Preachers, "Autumnsong"

I'm in a simplifying routine.  My personal Twitter has had its tweets vaporized.  My Facebook is deactivated.  The important things are my work and my routine, and both need greater discipline.  I've gone as far as to reach out to an ADHD coach to help me with these issues.  Frankly, I just need to get better.

I undermine myself at every turn, however.  While my last post shows I broke up with my girlfriend, I didn't fully purge her from my life.  Two weeks ago, I said the meanest thing I've ever said to anyone in my life to make sure our breakup stayed final.  It lasted until that Thursday, when I picked up my remaining belongings in exchange for a chair I bought her that she decided first she didn't need, then somehow was a necessity the day after.  Tonight, in no uncertain terms, the phrase I used was "Go away."  I'm hoping it sticks.

The two things I need to parse are the damage and the lessons learned.  I think the damage is mostly financial, though I'm sure there's more there.  The lessons learned will go here too, but not until I take the opportunity to talk plenty about my penis.

So enjoy the ride....on my penis.

 

Filed under: Dating, Life, Sex No Comments
30Mar/122

“I’ve been too honest with myself…

I should have lied like everybody else." - Manic Street Preachers, "Faster"

This has been one of my favorite lyrics of all time.

These last several months have affected me considerably, though.  I was heavily inspired by my good friend to create this blog based on what I saw her writing about and what the response to her was.  She's brutally honest, if not graphic, about who she is, what she endures, and what makes her awesome.

Most everything that's wrong in my life can be attributed to issues about honesty.  One of the many reasons I started this blog was for me to take a look at myself, what I wanted out of life, and the path to get there.  Did I want to be in another committed relationship, or did I want the freedom to fuck everything life would allow for?  Did I want to be healthy, or was I aiming for unrealistic goals of recreating my youth via aggressive weight loss?  Did I even know what I wanted, or was everything just a function of what feels good at a given moment?

I still don't wholly know the answers to this.

What I do know is that I've moved very, very aggressively in a new relationship.  The amazing woman I spoke of 3 weeks ago is my girlfriend, and I've been staying with her most nights - including every night since Monday.  I have a situation in which my ex-wife lives here and hates how loud we fuck.  My girlfriend's situation is owning a house that is almost uninhabitable due to water damage.  So, naturally, we're both staying at someone's house from her church who is headed to Afghanistan to help with that clusterfuck.

Here's the thing: I'm mostly happy with this.  She's pretty amazing.  I basically consider her "out of my league", but there's enough things she likes about me that I can rationalize this to be alright.  We're still trying to overcome the age gap - which is 8.5 years.  She's used to dating older men; I'm definitely not used to significantly younger women.  Most everything else makes sense, and she is really, really happy with me.  I see it in her eyes, her smile, and I think her ass even perks up when I look at it.  I'm happy with her.  She is aware of any significant shortcoming I have and assures me it's not an issue.

I can admit sometimes I don't know I want something until I see it.  It's like that impulse buy of Reese's peanut butter cups that you just suddenly think "HOLY FUCK THAT SOUNDS FUCKING AMAZING" at its sight.  I knew the moment I saw her that I wanted her to be mine.  After spending time with her, I never wanted her to leave my side.  The next steps are a bit unclear - but I am happy.  What I need to be sure of next is that I'm ready for this happiness now without losing sight of the big goals.

Getting back to the original Manic Street Preachers quote...I'm starting to hate it.  For a very long time, I pushed the boundaries of who I was and what I could do - and not without both significant failures and relevant successes.  I know who I am now, and knowing myself gives me a pretty unique insight into what it takes to improve the parts of my life I'd like to.  I can't do that without honesty.  I've come to understand that being honest about yourself makes it easier to be honest with others.  I can say I'm 270 lbs, but in the same breath, I can say I'm down nearly 40 lbs since the middle of last year.  Both those clauses are true, and whatever someone chooses to take from it is up to them.

That said, the scale at the home I'm staying at has me at 264, but I think it's fucked.  I'll get a real weight when I have time.

14Mar/121

I posted this on Facebook. I’m sharing it here too.

I totally get the idea that female lawmakers are introducing bills to limit Viagra access to give men a taste of how irresponsible it is for us to pretend we know what's best for women and limit their access to birth control and abortion.

I don't like that it's not really the same thing, though. Viagra, while it does offer other benefits beyond its common use, isn't as commonly used for the "off-label" benefits as birth control. I'm not even going to attempt to draw any comparison between abortion and Viagra, because I'm completely lost on that one.

The fact is guys don't get women's issues. We can't empathize, we never will. I don't really expect a woman to understand the miracle of an erection, but if it's there, and we say "let's do it", then we know they appreciate it. All we as men can do is let women tell us what's important to them, and act accordingly. It's not our place to second-guess their conclusion.

This brings us back to 2/16 and the Congressional hearing featuring all men who were there to talk about birth control. What the fuck do we know or understand on the topic? One thing I did pick up in high school having an irresponsibly great understanding of parliamentary procedure  is that any good legislative process has to consider the rights of the majority, the minority, individuals, the absent, and group as a whole. We could not do that without the presence of women in that hearing.

The fact that this was allowed to occur is the reason we have this ridiculous bickering back and forth now, and we're fully prepared to set gender relations in this nation back 50 years if we keep this up. Please, show respect, and don't let this happen.

Filed under: Life, Sex 1 Comment