fatty. no good for you.

29May/120

“So when you hear this Autumn song…clear your heads and get ready to run…

...so when you hear this Autumn song, remember the best times are yet to come." - Manic Street Preachers, "Autumnsong"

I'm in a simplifying routine.  My personal Twitter has had its tweets vaporized.  My Facebook is deactivated.  The important things are my work and my routine, and both need greater discipline.  I've gone as far as to reach out to an ADHD coach to help me with these issues.  Frankly, I just need to get better.

I undermine myself at every turn, however.  While my last post shows I broke up with my girlfriend, I didn't fully purge her from my life.  Two weeks ago, I said the meanest thing I've ever said to anyone in my life to make sure our breakup stayed final.  It lasted until that Thursday, when I picked up my remaining belongings in exchange for a chair I bought her that she decided first she didn't need, then somehow was a necessity the day after.  Tonight, in no uncertain terms, the phrase I used was "Go away."  I'm hoping it sticks.

The two things I need to parse are the damage and the lessons learned.  I think the damage is mostly financial, though I'm sure there's more there.  The lessons learned will go here too, but not until I take the opportunity to talk plenty about my penis.

So enjoy the ride....on my penis.

 

Filed under: Dating, Life, Sex No Comments
16Apr/124

“As though you were born, and so you thought: The future’s ours to keep and hold…

...A child within has healing ways.  It sees me through my darkest days." - The Verve, "Catching the Butterfly"

I've ended things with my girlfriend...several times over the last 3 days.  The sticking point is respect.

This journey of self-improvement has been stagnant: I don't have the opportunity to work out, and I'm eating less than responsibly.  My weight is basically unchanged: 272 at last check.

Ultimately, I believe I want to be happy.  The tortured soul and martyr thing is a bit played out.  Happy is a bit of a moving target, sure - but I have recollection of what I need to be there.  It always starts with me.  It usually ends with me ignoring myself in favor of something significantly less important.  And I'm getting close to doing exactly that.

Saturday began in terrible fashion, but I'm not telling Saturday's story yet.  I felt horribly disrespected by an event, she apologized for what she had done, and I had to examine if this relationship had any future.  I wasn't sure.

Just after midnight today, my girlfriend told me that I wasn't going to be able to keep my friendship with someone I've referenced here as one I've been interested in.  Last year, this was the friend that propped me up and gave me confidence enough to function.  I couldn't date someone now if this friend wasn't there for me then.  It's that simple.

She should be grateful.  Instead, she won't tolerate this person in my life on any level.  No one will make that decision for me.

Prior to this going down, I had a real commitment to my girlfriend - one that I had every intention of honoring.  Simply, she was my girlfriend, there would be no one else.  No cheating - not physically, not emotionally.  I may not have been perfectly prepared for a relationship, but I knew I needed to do this regardless.  I felt had someone very special on the hook, and I didn't want to miss my opportunity with her.

I did what made sense.  I have very little in the way of regret here.  I'm attractive enough to be viable for a relationship.  There will be other opportunities; there always are.

I tried. It didn't work.  I go on.

Filed under: Dating, Life 4 Comments
30Mar/122

“I’ve been too honest with myself…

I should have lied like everybody else." - Manic Street Preachers, "Faster"

This has been one of my favorite lyrics of all time.

These last several months have affected me considerably, though.  I was heavily inspired by my good friend to create this blog based on what I saw her writing about and what the response to her was.  She's brutally honest, if not graphic, about who she is, what she endures, and what makes her awesome.

Most everything that's wrong in my life can be attributed to issues about honesty.  One of the many reasons I started this blog was for me to take a look at myself, what I wanted out of life, and the path to get there.  Did I want to be in another committed relationship, or did I want the freedom to fuck everything life would allow for?  Did I want to be healthy, or was I aiming for unrealistic goals of recreating my youth via aggressive weight loss?  Did I even know what I wanted, or was everything just a function of what feels good at a given moment?

I still don't wholly know the answers to this.

What I do know is that I've moved very, very aggressively in a new relationship.  The amazing woman I spoke of 3 weeks ago is my girlfriend, and I've been staying with her most nights - including every night since Monday.  I have a situation in which my ex-wife lives here and hates how loud we fuck.  My girlfriend's situation is owning a house that is almost uninhabitable due to water damage.  So, naturally, we're both staying at someone's house from her church who is headed to Afghanistan to help with that clusterfuck.

Here's the thing: I'm mostly happy with this.  She's pretty amazing.  I basically consider her "out of my league", but there's enough things she likes about me that I can rationalize this to be alright.  We're still trying to overcome the age gap - which is 8.5 years.  She's used to dating older men; I'm definitely not used to significantly younger women.  Most everything else makes sense, and she is really, really happy with me.  I see it in her eyes, her smile, and I think her ass even perks up when I look at it.  I'm happy with her.  She is aware of any significant shortcoming I have and assures me it's not an issue.

I can admit sometimes I don't know I want something until I see it.  It's like that impulse buy of Reese's peanut butter cups that you just suddenly think "HOLY FUCK THAT SOUNDS FUCKING AMAZING" at its sight.  I knew the moment I saw her that I wanted her to be mine.  After spending time with her, I never wanted her to leave my side.  The next steps are a bit unclear - but I am happy.  What I need to be sure of next is that I'm ready for this happiness now without losing sight of the big goals.

Getting back to the original Manic Street Preachers quote...I'm starting to hate it.  For a very long time, I pushed the boundaries of who I was and what I could do - and not without both significant failures and relevant successes.  I know who I am now, and knowing myself gives me a pretty unique insight into what it takes to improve the parts of my life I'd like to.  I can't do that without honesty.  I've come to understand that being honest about yourself makes it easier to be honest with others.  I can say I'm 270 lbs, but in the same breath, I can say I'm down nearly 40 lbs since the middle of last year.  Both those clauses are true, and whatever someone chooses to take from it is up to them.

That said, the scale at the home I'm staying at has me at 264, but I think it's fucked.  I'll get a real weight when I have time.

9Mar/123

This is the second best I could do…

I was going to prepare a much nicer, epic, and emotional post about the biggest and scariest thing I've gone through in recent years.  I chose not to in favor of a little bit of a look into how big an asshole I really am.

I'm obese.  Not overweight, but cheese-in-my-veins fucking obese.  My weight is down a little bit (it's hanging in the low 270s) - but I'm still 100 lbs. away.

...and I don't deal well with fat chicks.

I should put an asterisk there, because it's sort of an arbitrary term that is a challenge to express properly.

Historically, girls of marginal attractiveness have been drawn to me.  Now, I'm open to several different body types, races, hair colors, and the like.  I really only have one 2 total non-starters: Ridiculously fake breasts or a penis.  Both are immediate disqualifiers for me.

I started a match.com account up last week early Monday morning.  Since I'm me, and I am criminally tactful, I've had three dates - the last of which was last night.  That's 12 calendar days by my count.  I've had a deluge of "winks", but they are without fail girls that I couldn't see myself with.  Mostly because I don't think we could both fit in the same picture.  Not everyone is going to be a potential connection, but I don't understand the common underlying feature that nearly all the women who would approach me share: a disproportionally large bottom half that recalls images of a sausage casing overflow or that pink goo McDonald's called chicken.

The first girl...did not match up well against her photo, and was very bottom heavy.  She was also at an age that gravity had taken a lot from her.  It was also unclear how well she maintained other parts of herself, as she had more than a few stray grey hairs on her head.  However, I proved that I can do just as much damage stone sober as I can drunk.  She asked me to set up Netflix Instant on her Wii.  I spent fewer than 15 minutes setting up her wireless network, and getting her Wii configured for Netflix.  I should have left when I finished.  I'll let you fill in the blanks...but I was irresponsible in accepting her gratitude.  Moving on...

The second girl I went on a date with decided we'd go to a burger bar.  Normally, I do OK in the context of similar establishments.  Not to endorse a restaurant, but Red Robin allows substitutions of the BOCA burger on all their burgers, and they have a really awesome spicy burger that is just amazing.  This place was not even remotely vegetarian friendly, and they still botched my order just a touch.  Poor dining choices aside, this girl happened to be a bit more pretty, younger, and had let me know she lost a lot of weight in recent months.  Good on her, seriously!  However, she too suffered from that ill-defined bottom-heavy build that just...doesn't do well for me.  To frame it a little differently, her top half had similarities to Adele - great face, bone structure, fairly dramatic eyes and lips.  I adore Adele, and would be more than happy to be involved with her.  However, this young lady's bottom half was more like a Dell computer - a collection of spare parts, poorly organized, probably incompatible, and destine to be useless in about 3 years.

I maintained a facade of interest, thinking it best to "keep options open" since I haven't been able to demonstrate how much of an absolute catch I am to anyone in years.  And then last night happened...

I met an amazing woman a few years younger than me.  She happens to be quite intelligent, a vegetarian, and every bit as ridiculous as me.  She's also absolutely stunning.  Our date lasted over 10 hours, of which 95% was talking.  As far as I can gather, any and all perceived chemistry was mutual - but I'm not going to get into specifics yet.  I've had about a half dozen significant relationships, so it does happen that I get a fair amount of what I want.  However, given the delicate balancing act that is the first few weeks of dating, I'm keeping feelings and word selections metered right now.  It was an incredible time, and we've planned to go out tomorrow night.

I'm a jerk.  I'm clearly saying terrible things about people who I hope never hear them, as they surely deserve better.  Attraction is something that really can't be helped.  I'm not sure how much of it can be conditioned or massaged.  However, I feel compelled to be honest about what I'm thinking and feeling, as it becomes a written record for me to better understand myself.  This year is about being honest with myself, who I am, and what I want.  It is not a time for compromise on any level.  It's a time to reassert who I am and what really matters to me.

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21Jan/122

“You may be done with the past…

...But the past isn't done with you." - James Dean Bradfield, "Days Slip Away"

I think he stole that from somewhere, but I can't confirm it.

Today is the last day of one of the worst weeks I've had in the last few years. I confronted all of my biggest issues in some form this week to varying results. I absolutely expect challenges along the way; I can't imagine anyone looking to completely reinvent themselves has an easy go of it. I don't expect to be smacked in the face by everything I've done wrong and the things I still need improvement with. I don't believe in the concept of "fair", but it's not fucking fair.

These are my problems, but feel free to share yours.