fatty. no good for you.


“As though you were born, and so you thought: The future’s ours to keep and hold…

...A child within has healing ways.  It sees me through my darkest days." - The Verve, "Catching the Butterfly"

I've ended things with my girlfriend...several times over the last 3 days.  The sticking point is respect.

This journey of self-improvement has been stagnant: I don't have the opportunity to work out, and I'm eating less than responsibly.  My weight is basically unchanged: 272 at last check.

Ultimately, I believe I want to be happy.  The tortured soul and martyr thing is a bit played out.  Happy is a bit of a moving target, sure - but I have recollection of what I need to be there.  It always starts with me.  It usually ends with me ignoring myself in favor of something significantly less important.  And I'm getting close to doing exactly that.

Saturday began in terrible fashion, but I'm not telling Saturday's story yet.  I felt horribly disrespected by an event, she apologized for what she had done, and I had to examine if this relationship had any future.  I wasn't sure.

Just after midnight today, my girlfriend told me that I wasn't going to be able to keep my friendship with someone I've referenced here as one I've been interested in.  Last year, this was the friend that propped me up and gave me confidence enough to function.  I couldn't date someone now if this friend wasn't there for me then.  It's that simple.

She should be grateful.  Instead, she won't tolerate this person in my life on any level.  No one will make that decision for me.

Prior to this going down, I had a real commitment to my girlfriend - one that I had every intention of honoring.  Simply, she was my girlfriend, there would be no one else.  No cheating - not physically, not emotionally.  I may not have been perfectly prepared for a relationship, but I knew I needed to do this regardless.  I felt had someone very special on the hook, and I didn't want to miss my opportunity with her.

I did what made sense.  I have very little in the way of regret here.  I'm attractive enough to be viable for a relationship.  There will be other opportunities; there always are.

I tried. It didn't work.  I go on.

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  1. I’m very sorry to hear the relationship didn’t work out. But I’m very proud of you for keeping your sights on what is ultimately most important to you, and for not changing yourself for anyone else.

    • Thank you.

      Some things I can compromise on and still respect myself; I have room for personal growth. I just can’t cave into a demand like that.

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