fatty. no good for you.

6Apr/120

“All this frustration, I can’t meet all my desires…

... Strange conversation.  Self-control has just expired." - James, "Born of Frustration"

When I know I need to remain composed, I cannot be shaken.  I generally don't have immediate, emotional responses to situations - even if they absolutely call for it.

When I have the leeway to make a mistake, I explode in the most self-defeating methods available.

On Tuesday, I accomplished something professionally epic at work that I only fully realized in hindsight.  I'd share it here, but then I'm really putting myself out further than I feel I should.  My boss was proud, to say the least.

That night, I had a rare panic attack.  Very rare.  Annually at best.  I took a brief nap, and woke up as if the world was ending.  My brain was mush, and while I was aware of my surroundings, my perception of them made no sense.  I couldn't keep my head upright.  I couldn't figure out what my girlfriend was trying to communicate to me.  I took a couple ativan pills to wind myself down.  I woke up on the couch ashamed that I had only a vague memory of what trouble I was the night before.  This was especially rough as she and I always sleep together, and neither of us like sleeping alone anymore.  I feel like I let her down and I don't know what caused it.

Fast forward to Thursday.  I had a small breakdown in the morning that stayed with me throughout the day.  I was frustrated because a claim from last year's surgery, now nearly 7 months ago, still hasn't been processed.  I also have pending issues regarding state taxes, local taxes, a credit account, among others, and it weighted heavily.  It rendered me nearly useless dealing with the frustration of the inaction or errors of others.

I'm usually better than this.  I fully realize that I can only control my actions, and my ability to influence a claims processor, telephone representative, etc., is pretty small.  However, after 7 months, and with a few thousand dollars on the line, my patience was thin.  I took out frustration on those I was speaking to, but it didn't make me feel any better.  My failure to mitigate this stress and frustration only made me feel worse.  So, I was only nominally productive the balance of the day, and that only hurts me more.

I realize my life is full of spectacular nonsense.  I do what I can with what I have.  I just have a very low threshold for personal mistakes, and this one was big.  I need to maintain better control over my emotions, my responses, and my brain as a whole.  Mental health is a big deal, and clearly I'm not doing what I need to maintain it.

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