fatty. no good for you.

16Apr/124

“As though you were born, and so you thought: The future’s ours to keep and hold…

...A child within has healing ways.  It sees me through my darkest days." - The Verve, "Catching the Butterfly"

I've ended things with my girlfriend...several times over the last 3 days.  The sticking point is respect.

This journey of self-improvement has been stagnant: I don't have the opportunity to work out, and I'm eating less than responsibly.  My weight is basically unchanged: 272 at last check.

Ultimately, I believe I want to be happy.  The tortured soul and martyr thing is a bit played out.  Happy is a bit of a moving target, sure - but I have recollection of what I need to be there.  It always starts with me.  It usually ends with me ignoring myself in favor of something significantly less important.  And I'm getting close to doing exactly that.

Saturday began in terrible fashion, but I'm not telling Saturday's story yet.  I felt horribly disrespected by an event, she apologized for what she had done, and I had to examine if this relationship had any future.  I wasn't sure.

Just after midnight today, my girlfriend told me that I wasn't going to be able to keep my friendship with someone I've referenced here as one I've been interested in.  Last year, this was the friend that propped me up and gave me confidence enough to function.  I couldn't date someone now if this friend wasn't there for me then.  It's that simple.

She should be grateful.  Instead, she won't tolerate this person in my life on any level.  No one will make that decision for me.

Prior to this going down, I had a real commitment to my girlfriend - one that I had every intention of honoring.  Simply, she was my girlfriend, there would be no one else.  No cheating - not physically, not emotionally.  I may not have been perfectly prepared for a relationship, but I knew I needed to do this regardless.  I felt had someone very special on the hook, and I didn't want to miss my opportunity with her.

I did what made sense.  I have very little in the way of regret here.  I'm attractive enough to be viable for a relationship.  There will be other opportunities; there always are.

I tried. It didn't work.  I go on.

Filed under: Dating, Life 4 Comments
6Apr/120

“All this frustration, I can’t meet all my desires…

... Strange conversation.  Self-control has just expired." - James, "Born of Frustration"

When I know I need to remain composed, I cannot be shaken.  I generally don't have immediate, emotional responses to situations - even if they absolutely call for it.

When I have the leeway to make a mistake, I explode in the most self-defeating methods available.

On Tuesday, I accomplished something professionally epic at work that I only fully realized in hindsight.  I'd share it here, but then I'm really putting myself out further than I feel I should.  My boss was proud, to say the least.

That night, I had a rare panic attack.  Very rare.  Annually at best.  I took a brief nap, and woke up as if the world was ending.  My brain was mush, and while I was aware of my surroundings, my perception of them made no sense.  I couldn't keep my head upright.  I couldn't figure out what my girlfriend was trying to communicate to me.  I took a couple ativan pills to wind myself down.  I woke up on the couch ashamed that I had only a vague memory of what trouble I was the night before.  This was especially rough as she and I always sleep together, and neither of us like sleeping alone anymore.  I feel like I let her down and I don't know what caused it.

Fast forward to Thursday.  I had a small breakdown in the morning that stayed with me throughout the day.  I was frustrated because a claim from last year's surgery, now nearly 7 months ago, still hasn't been processed.  I also have pending issues regarding state taxes, local taxes, a credit account, among others, and it weighted heavily.  It rendered me nearly useless dealing with the frustration of the inaction or errors of others.

I'm usually better than this.  I fully realize that I can only control my actions, and my ability to influence a claims processor, telephone representative, etc., is pretty small.  However, after 7 months, and with a few thousand dollars on the line, my patience was thin.  I took out frustration on those I was speaking to, but it didn't make me feel any better.  My failure to mitigate this stress and frustration only made me feel worse.  So, I was only nominally productive the balance of the day, and that only hurts me more.

I realize my life is full of spectacular nonsense.  I do what I can with what I have.  I just have a very low threshold for personal mistakes, and this one was big.  I need to maintain better control over my emotions, my responses, and my brain as a whole.  Mental health is a big deal, and clearly I'm not doing what I need to maintain it.

Filed under: Weight Loss No Comments