fatty. no good for you.

31Jan/120

Slothtastic!

I did a few things to set myself back last week:

  • I missed my weigh-in twice.
  • I missed my workouts for 4 straight days
  • I shared one of those epic 16" pizzas with my ex-wife

The net damage seems marginal as my weight is slightly down over the week, but it doesn't mean I'm not disappointed in myself.

My work-related struggles continued last week, both by playing catch-up on work I should have had done, and in dealing with my ADHD.  A small depression and setback that seems to happen monthly even in the best of times.

All of this said, I did work out this morning, and I'm going to do my best to get back on pace.  I'll post more soon, but I wanted to bring things here back to speed.

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27Jan/121

New Post Added

I didn't have a better title.

Today wasn't terrible. I even smiled a few times. There's some nice people in Argentina.

I think I'm suffering from a depression in chemistry only. My life isn't actually worse than it was a week ago, it just feels that way.

Not to tempt fate, but there's always opportunities for things to be worse. I'm just hoping for one good thing to happen to help push me through this. I have no idea what that could be.

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26Jan/123

“Existence – well what does it matter? I exist on the best means I can…”

"...the past is now part of my future, the present is well out of hand. The present is well out of hand."

The lyric is taken from Joy Division's "Heart and Soul".

I've lost more weight, but it's not really progress.  I'm still me.  I lack the discipline, the will, the strength, and often the desire to make the improvements that are going to establish myself as viable for this world.

There's a lot of metaphors for ways to demonstrating futility when facing an inevitable conclusion of failure.  "Rearranging deck chairs on the Titantic", "running out the clock", and so on...  I could lose the weight, but so what?  I still wake up wishing I hadn't.

There's really no reward upon reaching my weight loss goals that's going to be worth the time or effort that comes with it.  At varying times, I've had everything in life that I could have possibly wanted, and it was never enough.

Is there anything I actually want?

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24Jan/125

Devastation

While nothing good comes easy, this is what I've had to deal with in the last week.

Date Weight (in lbs.)
24 January 2012 284.8
23 January 2012 286.2
22 January 2012 283.8
21 January 2012 284.2
20 January 2012 283.2
19 January 2012 283.4
18 January 2012 286.0

I've worked out 5 of the last 7 days. My diet has not changed. I'm at a loss to describe this.

This is not winning.

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22Jan/124

“To Die Unsung Would Really Bring You Down”

Helmet's "Unsung", for those who don't remember the early 1990s.  Another line, and probably the most I can quote without a takedown complaint, is "Die young is far too boring these days."

Very few people I've met have completely lacked ambition.  I didn't understand it myself until I was about 29, the first time I really noticed that I had stalled in my career, and I was mostly fine with that.  I was married, and I finally had enough "things" - a nice house, 2 cars, pets, 5 televisions, furniture in every room, and the better part of a gym in my basement - that I had no one to envy.  I had everything I needed and plenty more.  I could just live out the next 35 years and retire reasonably successful.

It was at this point I allowed myself to tolerate so many of weaknesses.

21Jan/122

“You may be done with the past…

...But the past isn't done with you." - James Dean Bradfield, "Days Slip Away"

I think he stole that from somewhere, but I can't confirm it.

Today is the last day of one of the worst weeks I've had in the last few years. I confronted all of my biggest issues in some form this week to varying results. I absolutely expect challenges along the way; I can't imagine anyone looking to completely reinvent themselves has an easy go of it. I don't expect to be smacked in the face by everything I've done wrong and the things I still need improvement with. I don't believe in the concept of "fair", but it's not fucking fair.

These are my problems, but feel free to share yours.

17Jan/120

Obstacle 1

I suppose I should use fewer music references. I have to make sure this doesn't turn into The Crow graphic novel for fat people, which is really just The Crow.

I've hit my first plateau. Since Saturday, after I did my hour-long treadmill session, I'm down a whopping .3 lbs, including no loss between today and yesterday. There could be a variety of explanations for slow down, but it's still frustrating. These could include, but are not limited to:

  • I had a Totino's Party Pizza yesterday.
  • Sunday and Tuesday (today) featured workouts on an elliptical machine, which I am still learning and adjusting to.
  • My body, already known to be a giant asshole, could be making some unwelcome adjustments to accommodate my workout regimen.
  • That ice cream I had on Sunday wasn't really reduced fat and calories like they claimed.
  • I'm weighing myself wrong or inconsistently.

Yesterday, I detailed the math that I understood went into weight loss.  I still don't understand what I wrote there, but I do know that it's a combination of diet and exercise that's allowing me to lose weight.  Right now, I'm unwilling to make any further diet concessions, so I need to step up my workouts.

16Jan/122

Eat Shit and Die

It's not a request. It's what I did, figuratively, and a reasonable expectation given the path I was on.

For example, this was a meal:

That is a 16" pizza from a local restaurant, delivered to my home roughly once a week. I'm going to guess that it runs about 2,500 calories, and 120 grams of fat.

Here's where shit gets funny.

15Jan/122

“One likes to believe in the freedom of music…”

The above quote is from a Rush song that's roughly the same age as myself called "The Spirit of Radio".

A Google search of "define:radio" yielded this definition:

"The transmission and reception of electromagnetic waves of radio frequency, esp. those carrying sound messages."

Radio, like telephone, is a different beast than it was 30 years ago. They're full-blown mediums that outgrew their dictionary definitions in favor of expansive functionality their inventors could never have imagined. I'm sure Alexander Graham Bell would have pissed in your face if you suggested to him that we'd be using a portable version of his hard-wired telephone to play "Words with Friends" and download videos of people pissing in the faces of others.

There's a reason I'm getting into this, I swear.

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8Jan/122

Reality Sets In

This was August 29, 2011.  307.2 pounds.  I ate Sparta, and then some.

Less than one week after my divorce, a friend tried to get me on the right track by challenging me to a weight loss contest.  The goal was to see who could lose 10 pounds the fastest.

If I were to win, she'd send me some criminally sexy pictures of herself.  If she were to win, I'd fill her Starbucks Rewards card with $25.00.

Since I am me, a thirty-something white male stuck in arrested development, and there were tits on the line, I started myself on a powerful weight loss supplement that I'll leave unnamed.  For the days that followed, I ate next to nothing, and I felt like I was just asking for a heart attack.